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Sam
x_smile_at_me_x
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Welcome
Name; Sam
Age; 18
Sex; Female
Height; 5'5"
Hair; Sandy blond
Eyes; Blue gray
Loves; Lo-chan, comfy bathrobes, rainbows, spontaneous road trips, making new friends, cocoacino, cute socks, sunny mornings, tech junk, etc.
Hates; Negativity, fighting with loved ones, haters, n3wb sp33k, being underestimated, close-mindedness, etc.

October 2009
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Haha, no, I didn't see it.
Lo got to go to a screening before it was officially released because she's a UCLA student.
Since I'm not, I had Lo go on ahead without me.

Buffa heard later and flipped out, telling me that he'd never let Al go without him.
I tried to explain it to him, but he's young and stubborn yet, haha.

Lo needs whatever space she can get, you know?
And she's been stressed - a comedy would do her some good.
They say comedies are great stress relievers - or just laughing and feeling good in general.
There was some gore too, which I'm sure pleased the horror-movie side of Lo as well.

I'll see it later anyways, so I'm just happy she enjoyed it.  =)

Ps. Lo said Jesse Eisenberg reminded her a lot of Michael Cera, whom Lo and I both adore.

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Music: "Love Love Love" by As Tall As Lions

The first time I ever made fish, it was a spontaneous and expensive buy of Chilean Sea Bass - a fish I knew nothing about save for the fact that it was something that Lo adored.
It ended up that I cooked the fish well - it had been my first time - but I didn't do well on flavor.
Apparently, white fish like Chilean Sea Bass often have nice textures but lack decent flavor.

While I'd been out in Pennsylvania, my dad introduced me to a generally cheap fish called Orange Roughy.
I personally don't care for fish much at all, but I had been able to try Lo's bass, and this looked a lot like it, so I was able to try this too.
Upon doing so, I concluded that Chilean Sea Bass and Orange Roughy, the only two items from the sea that I have ever eaten, tasted a lot alike.

My dad cooked the roughy in a closed, microwave container with lemon and pepper.
Very simple, but the consistency and taste was really nice.
I talked to Lo about it, and we ended up buying the roughy in California, for about $2 more, but for only half as much, unfortunately.
We had the frozen fish in our freezer for around a month until I worked up the courage to try it out.
I hadn't wanted to screw fish up again, so I looked online to see how different people cooked similar types of white fish.

After about an hour of studying up, I decided to take a swing and marinated the roughy.
Lo hates pepper and insisted that she didn't think lemon would taste good with fish.
I told her was crazy, because everyone ate lemon and pepper with fish!
Instead, I went for a 'bitter orange' type of taste, adding 2 parts lemon, 1 part orange.
I forget what else I added.. haha, it really was kind of random after that.
Cumin.  Oregano.  Garlic.  Light pepper.  Salt.  A few other things that I can't remember.  xD

After marinating the fish for 4-6 hours I cooked it up for dinner with green beans and baked potatoes.. because I really have no idea what goes with fish.. the green beans worked well.
I heard that you could bake the fish, but I took my chances and fried it.
It cooked quickly.
After it was finished I cooked the marinade down to about half - something I heard some people do to pour the marinade over their cooked meats.
You have to cook the marinade first to cook out all of the bad stuff from having the raw meat in there, plus, it also makes the marinade a bit thicker and easier to eat, in my opinion.

The best part of this meal wasn't the first, for me.
I sat down at the dinner table (two TV trays and two fold-up chairs) with Lo to eat with extremely low expectations.
Lo had given a lukewarm review on my first fish entree, and I feared that again, with no experience, I'd do the same or worse.
For my second try with fish, Lo immediately... loved it.
She loved it a lot.
She made a lot of exclamations and praised me so much!
It was so unexpected that I felt like crying!
I remember thinking that I couldn't feel any higher on top of the world, being praised for such hard work that I feared would only fall flat in the end.

Lo praised me throughout the meal on the marinade, which she mentioned was the only thing missing from my first attempt.
I told her about my bitter orange idea, but she said that the lemon was more prominent (though that makes sense, really) but at the same time, wasn't overwhelming, like she thought it might do.
She also stated that it wasn't bitter at all, but it wasn't sour either.
Maybe sweet?
Whatever it was, she never really could put her finger on it, but she seemed to like it a lot.  ^^
She also praised me on finding the roughy, even though my dad kind of did - I was the one who realized the similarity between it and the chilean sea bass.
I thought since I didn't know much about fish, that I'd be way off, but Ren said that I was right, and that they were actually very similar - even though she still deemed the bass better... because who wouldn't?  That stuff is pretty nice stuff, I hear!  It's pricey!  ><;

Either way, all I can say is how happy I am.
I wanted to experiment with different marinading techniques, but Ren seems to love this one so much, I have the feeling that I'll be making if for a long time to come.

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Mood: happyhappy
Music: "One Day Robots Will Cry" by Cobra Starship

I had sex tonight with Lo, and it was amazing.
It was completely spontaneous.
I was lying on the floor and Lo was on the bed.
We were discussing ideas for her new layout I'm attempting to make for her Myspace.
Suddenly she crawled over to me and began touching me lightly, kissing me.
And just like that we both seemed to explode into a heated make-out session.
I hate to write such intimate stuff down like this.. but who ever reads my blog anyways?  >>
I just have to write this down.
I don't want to forget.

This is the first time in a long time that Lo and I have done something like this.
Due to the meds I've been on lately, my sex-drive has been practically non-existent.
Ever since Lo's returned from Texas though, I've been doing my best to treat her really well, making love to her, rubbing her back, hugging her.. I even gave her a bath.  I was washing her feet and she smiled and said "I feel so loved right now."
I couldn't have been any higher on top of the world at that moment.

Dear gawd, if family is reading this.. don't read under the cut!  Or friends.. or anyone who really doesn't wish to see the details of my sex life~  It's really more for me to remember than anything else.  Ah.. but I guess if you want to.. go ahead?  >>

Explicit Details... O_O;Collapse )

Well hell, that took longer than I thought.  8D;
I'll end things here.. but as a side note..

Lo and I went to the store before all of this went down, real late at night, and Lo held me close around the waist, and then wrapped her arm around my shoulders as we intertwined our fingers together.  We walked like that almost the whole way to the store, and a lot of the way home.  I felt so happy for some reason.. I'm usually so nervous about PDA with her, because.. well.. you know.
Even though it was night, so many people are still out and about in college town.
But I was too happy, I just couldn't bring myself to care if anyone saw.

On the way to the store we walked past a homeless man (not uncommon at all) and he was rambling and asking if we like Science.  We ignored him somewhat, nicely shaking our heads and going on.  He continued on rambling "Science makes the world go round!"  We heard him ask the next person as they walked by the same thing.  We laughed once we turned the corner.

On our way back, Lo had her arm around my shoulders and we were walking close.  The man was still on the steps where he was before, and it seemed like he'd stopped his Science ramblings for the time being.  As we walked by, he said "Aww, you two make a cute couple."  I blushed so hard I thought I'd die!  Lo just laughed awkwardly and thanked him, but we never stopped.  It was mostly embarrassing because a guy and a girl were coming from the opposite direction holding hands, but heard the man's comment.  I couldn't look them in the face.  xD;

I did feel kind of honored that he called us cute, but.. it was still awkward.  Lo and I laughed about it.
I kind of resent every hetero couple I see walking around holding hands - and trust me, they're EVERYWHERE.  I'm always so afraid to hold Lo's hand, but tonight Lo had been so affectionate, so sweet.  I don't know if I was being bold, or if I just didn't care, but I went along with it, and I was so happy.  

My feel high on love, as ridiculous as that sounds.
I had started the day off sucky.  I was tired, I felt nauseated because of my medicine, I felt like I might be getting a bit of a head cold.. the whole day was a mess.
But it slowly began to get better after 9pm or so and continue to escalate from there.
I had an amazing night, and I once again, can't shake how blown away I am by Lauren.
Three years and just short of three months.
We've been together so long, know each other inside and out, are so unbelievably comfortable around each other.
We both agree that it almost feels as if we're already married.
I don't want the sparks we have for each other to ever fade.
I won't ever give up on this.
On us.

Mood: lovedloved
Music: "Smile" by Uncle Kracker

I'm not very confident.
I'm selfish.
I'm irresponsible and a bit lazy.

I've been trying to be less selfish, in small ways, but it's hard.
I think I've always been a selfish person, haven't I?
I burnt my bagel the other day, and when I split half with Ren, I gave her the unburnt half.
I also made it bigger than mine.
But this doesn't make me unselfish.
I always think about myself first.
I really should be more sensitive.

I'm completely irresponsible and have trouble following any sort of routine.
I'm trying hard to fix this though.
I signed a contract with Ren today, stating that five days a week I need to spend 90 minutes cleaning every day (unless there's nothing to clean), 1 hour studying A+, 1 hour studying mathematics, and half an hour studying Spanish.
I can handle cleaning, and A+ is okay, but I'm terrible at math and I absolutely hate Spanish.
But I know math is really important.
And Spanish is so widely spoken; I know it's a good language to learn.
I'm going to give it my all.
But I wonder if I really can.
I don't doubt myself, but I know I'm a slacker, and I'm lazy.
Every time I start a project I go in "full force!" but then I burn out and give up after some time.

I don't think I'll ever have much confidence.
But I hope to have at least enough.
Enough should be okay.

I often wish I were smaller.
I imagine that if I were smaller, my problems might be smaller too.
I'd like to be 5'3".. it seems like a cute number.
Being 5'5" and a half isn't much fun.
I'm taller than a lot of girls.
I like my weight okay.
I wish I wasn't a size 9 shoe.
Ren has the cutest feet.
They're a size 7, I think.
Sometimes a size 8?
But they look small and feminine, while mine are big and flat.

I kind of wish I had brown eyes, maybe.
And lighter blond hair.. just a bit.
With sandy blond/light brown hair and blue gray eyes, I feel like I'm a bit like everyone else.
A blond with brown eyes sounds like they'd be beautiful.
Or maybe light brown with green eyes.
So pretty.

Ren has dark brown hair and deep brown eyes.
You'd think she'd look a lot like everyone else, but she doesn't.
Her eyes are such a unique shade of brown.
It's amazing that a color like brown could be so interesting.
Her eyes always seem so deep and emotional.
There's a lot of depth, and in the light, they shine a really beautiful color that says something like "warm" and "safe" and reminds me of honey.

I've gotten complimented a lot throughout my life on my eyes.
I've never seen anything special about them.
They're light and dull.
Just like me.

I'd love to have a cute, round face.
With soft curls in my hair.
And a cuter nose.
Whenever I look in the mirror, I feel a bit disappointed.
It's not that my face isn't nice looking.
It's just different than what I imagine myself to be.
In my mind, I don't see my slim and long face.
I don't see my Italian nose, or my flat hair.

I really am selfish.

Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Music: The Bokura ga Ita ending song

I feel like I'm absolutely bursting with happiness.
I can't stop smiling.
My heart is beating just a bit faster and I feel like I'm practically glowing an aura of joy.

A bit over dramatic, I suppose.
But it's the truth!
I almost feel like crying.
I really am happy.

First of all, Lo is coming home tomorrow.
I have so much to do today.
I'm planning on giving Lo a really special night when she arrives home.
I feel the need to desperately show her how much I love her.
If I have my way, I'll have her drowning in love, affection and adoration.

I'll of course spare the details, just in case Ren finds this entry before she reaches me first.
But no worries; I plan to write all about it later.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a wonderful night.

Aside from that, which is already making me so happy, just the thought that she'll be home soon..
Lo has been talking to me about getting engaged.
I haven't been thinking about it as much.. I am only 18; 19 in November.
I suppose it's just a bit early for me.
But Lo - she's already 22.
It's completely normal that she'd be thinking about that now.

At first I felt a bit reluctant.
I'll openly say, I'm not ready to get married yet.
Maybe not even ready to get engaged.
But Lo doesn't want to right NOW.
I think she mentioned possibly around the end of 2010?
She'd be out of school and I'd have a steady job.
(If not for whatever reason, we'd probably hold off).
Lo's looking for a more even relationship between us.
I'm looking for my own independence and stability between us both financially and emotionally.
Either way, we both want this.

She asked me to look at engagement rings that I'd like.
It didn't really hit me until I actually started looking at some just how wonderful the thought of being engaged made me feel.
Being able to wear a beautiful yet simple ring so proudly.
A ring that couldn't be mistaken for anything else but what it was.
A way for me to show the world that I am loved and taken by an amazing and beautiful person.

My stomach is swirling and my chest feels warm; my head feels light.
I'm both tired, excited, and possibly a bit nauseated by my new medicine, but all the same, I feel like I couldn't be happier right now.

I looked at some engagement rings tonight.
Lo said she'd pay around a thousand, and I was a bit taken aback that she'd pay so much.
I was thinking less than 300, maybe 400.. but maybe a little more wouldn't hurt.
It doesn't have to be amazing, but then again.. it is something I'd have to be willing to wear on me for the rest of my life.

There are a few things I've decided since looking at rings.
I don't like yellow gold.
I don't like more than one diamond.
I don't like rings with spaces or gaps in them, because they get dirty easier.
I don't like round or oval diamonds.

I do like square diamonds.
Princess cut and Cushion especially.
I love white gold.

I don't like large diamonds, but I don't like tiny ones either.
Something medium-sized would be nice.
Not too large as if to say "look at me!"
But not too small that it'd be unnoticeable.
Just big enough so that people can see it and know right away what it is.
That would make me truly happy.

It's 3am, but I can't sleep.
I'm getting tired though.
I'm kind of hungry, but I want to wait to eat until breakfast so I can take my Prozac with it.
The Prozac has been making me really nauseated.
I threw up yesterday, which was so not fun.
But, despite that, and several other minor symptoms, I haven't had any panic attacks and my anxieties have been decently tolerable.
To me, the side effects are definitely worth that.

I was in the middle of watching Music and Lyrics, but had to stop a little past half way through.
I'm just getting too antsy!
Blegh, I feel sick.  x.x
I wanted to play FFX, but I haven't had the time.
Time Warner isn't coming to hook up the Interwebs until Monday.
I'm only online now because I'm mooching off of my neighbors.  ><
Sorry neighbors!
But there's no TV, and I can't call out on the phone..
I really have nothing else to do!  D:

I suddenly sound like a hypocrite because I just said that I didn't have any time.
More so, I just can't sit still long enough and I always find something else to do instead.
I have to run around today too; shopping, making sure I have everything for dinner and bread tomorrow night, picking up a few things to make the evening super nice~

Agh, I'm just SO happy!
I need to shut up now.  xD

Ren, if you're reading this, I LOVE YOU!!!

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Music: "You Are Mine" by Mute Math

I've been going through an odd spell lately, so I haven't had the will to update my LJ.
I've been sincerely wanting to though.
I even plan out my entries throughout the day, saying "I'll write this, and this is how I'm feeling.. I need to express these important emotions before they leave me.."
But I never get them out.

This has been draining on me the same way sexually as well.
Lately I've been having an underlying drive to be sexually active with Ren - making plans of seduction or relaxing nights of love making.
I get inspired to act on these things, but then suddenly lose the will.. or, not so much the will so much as I find that I just never go through with it, or have no actual energy to put into it.
The desire is there strongly, but at the same time, I can't seem to get my body to work the way I want it to.

I'm wondering if this is depression.
It probably is.
I hate making excuses.
Isn't it so much easier to just say I'm fucked up?
But.. that's an excuse too.

There's so much I haven't written in my LJ that I feel I needed to.
Very strong things that I have ignored, and will most likely regret not writing about in a sincere, in the moment manner.

Mimi passed away last Wednesday.
Upon receiving her 'won't make it to Christmas' ultimatum, Lo had been upset in ways I felt I couldn't comprehend nor comfort.
I too lost my grandmother whom I had been very close to, but because of the situation, I wasn't informed until six months AFTER her death.
I was also 11 years younger than Lo is now.
Instead of a rising anticipation of an inevitable circumstance of despair, like what Ren was forced to go through, along with the rest of the family, I had only suffered the bitter aftertaste of my own loss.

Lo left for Texas yesterday to attend the funeral, which was today.
I never attended a funeral before, so again, I felt inadequate in attempting to comfort Lo.
I couldn't say it would be alright.
For all I knew (Lo also hadn't been to a funeral before either, so she was just as unaware as I was), the funeral could be like the ones you saw in movies, where everyone would cry and and tearfully mourn the loss of their loved one.
It could be very dramatic, and Ren feared that she may let herself cry when she felt that she needed to be strong for her family, her Pa and Jeff especially.
She didn't have to be strong like that for them - everyone deserves to let themselves grieve to differing extents for the loss, but Lo felt she needed more closure to properly do this.
That's why I felt her going to this funeral, despite the awful timing and taking up Lo's anticipated vacation between Summer and Fall quarter, would be very important for her.
I regret not being able to attend my own grandmother's funeral.
To this day, it truly feels as if she isn't gone.
I felt like even after visiting her grave, that I never truly felt I had decent closure.
The circumstances were a bit rare and complicated for me though, but none the less, I'm glad that Lo got the chance.
Perhaps the timing was for the best after all.


Being here alone in our new apartment hasn't been so bad.
I wasn't really dreading it.
It's only three full days of being alone.. maybe a bit closer to four if you count Monday and Friday together as half days.
I was planning to enjoy the time alone to get myself back into a more normal groove of things.
I had a lot planned, but a lot like my sexual life and keeping up with my LJ, I'm slowly seeing these plans slipping through my fingers.
I'm finding myself wishing I had more time alone, because the more time I have to myself, the more I'll be motivated to keep myself occupied with my chores.
When I'm with Ren and I need occupied, I go to her for it, or drag us out of the apartment somewhere.
I really need to be more responsible.
Lo says I've been reverting.
I don't want to admit it yet, though.
I'm denying it and I know I am.
Does this mean I'm subconsciously admitting it by openly stating that I am denying it?
-Sigh-  Confusing..

Aside from Mimi's passing, Lo and I just finished moving into Veteran from Landfair.
It's a three month lease, but with that comes a hefty price.
Our first apartment was a craphole, Gayley's $900/mo with utilities paid. (except for phone and internet, as always).
Our second apartment was Landfair's sublease $1250/mo with utilities paid; much bigger than Gayley, a full kitchen, but with the price of roach problems.
Our third apartment, the new and lovely Veteran, has a little less space then Landfair (we think) but is surprisingly bigger than expected, comes with higher quality, stone and wood flooring, a lovely and clean shower (a first for us), a kitchen that can only fit one person, but still with nice counters (minus one crack), a microwave, fridge and small electric stove.  The storage space was decent as well - again, better than we first thought.
The price is uncomfortably high, but then again, it's only for three months..
$1475/mo with all utilities covered except the usual phone/internet along with electricity this time.
I'm eager to get out of Westwood, but at least now I feel very, very comfortable in our last home here in the Westwood village.

The downside is the walk is a great deal longer than the other apartments to school.
There doesn't really seem to be many students in this complex at all.
I've seen mothers and children, and adults in their mid-twenties all the way up to a few elder citizens.
There's a pool and a single grill, but I wonder how much we'll use a pool in this season, despite California's comfortable Fall/Winter weather.
I can imagine grilling a lot.
I even have a "How to Grill for Dummies" book.
I'm not a "dummy" by any means when it comes to cooking, but I'm not as familiar with grilling, despite watching my family do it growing up.
I think I'll do just fine, but the book certainly wouldn't hurt to skim over.

I told Ren that I've finished cleaning the apartment, and that much is true.
When she left, there were still boxes and bags scattered everywhere, despite the majority of it being put away, it still looked like a mess.
Everything is clean now, but there is still two boxes full of books left that I haven't found a place to go.. we don't have shelves here, as well as a box of wall decor since I'm not sure if we're allowed to have nails in the wall yet or not (I'll skim the lease later for that, or talk to the manager), and another box full of video games and DVD's that need to be placed under a TV stand (the TV is placed on top of two boxes at the moment) that we currently don't own - the last one we had belonged to the person we subleased from (Katie) and she took it back when we moved out.
But aside from that, everything is nice.
Oh, I also haven't swept or mopped the floors.
The stone in the bathroom, kitchen, and the concrete balcony get our feet very dirty, and Lo and I have decided to make a "No Shoes" rule for this apartment.. we're a bit inspired by the Japanese culture of this act more than anything I think, plus it'll keep the floors cleaner, despite our not having to sleep on them like you would if you slept on a Futon, and we don't have to sit on them like you would if you ate or sat at a Kotatsu table.

I'll finish before Ren comes home.
I also need to take out the trash.
I'll probably do that today.
We don't have trash bags either, and we're out of small baggies (we only have the large freezer ones atm), so I should probably run to the store.
I haven't done that either.. I'll do it before Lo comes home though, truly.
Maybe today.
It's only 3:30pm.
I have time.
Not now though.

It's 5:30pm in Texas right now, where Lo is anyways.
Her mom's flight leaves at 6pm I believe, but Lo wants to stay longer - until Friday.
I wonder what she's doing right now.

All of the lights are turned off right now.
Lo and I are going to try and save on electricity especially, since we're paying for it this time around.
It's okay with me though.
I have the blinds open, and not only is the site outside beautiful in the daytime, tree's surrounding the balcony and large beautiful Pine trees of sorts backdropping it across the street, but the light brightens up the apartment.
It's calming, the light and the trees.
I find it makes me feel more at ease, despite my recent anxiety and more frequent panic attacks.
Lo seemed to take a stronger like to it as well, despite our last apartment having fairly nice lighting as well (with no view, but it was better than Gayley, which had poor lightly and also no view).
It seems Veteran is a large step up, even from Landfair.
Lo says she didn't think it would be at first, but we're both coming to realize that the high price at least has something to go with it.
Thankfully it's only three more months, and then we're free of Westwood's insane living costs.
But at the same time, I'm happy that we're leaving here last.
It's beautiful.

I realized today that we have an electric stove, not a gas stove.
I hadn't taken a closer look until now.
The metal rings threw me off at first, as I have never owned an electric stove in my life, so I was unfamiliar with it.
The rings don't light on fire like with gas, but instead grow hot and turn orange.
I like electric much better than gas; it kind of makes me feel safer.
Gas scares me because it can explode; I've already has a house fire.  I don't want another.
The downside is, I'm not sure how much electricity it takes to run a stove.
Especially the oven, I'm wondering.
Will I have to cut down on baking?
I know my parents made me stop baking growing up because it strained heavily on our gas bill.
I suppose we'll have to see when our first bill arrives.
Because we have a small, studio apartment, and not a full sized home, I'm assuming the bill will be.. around $30 maybe?
I'm at least hoping so.  I could be dead wrong.
We'll have to see.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for a low number.

The AC is obviously electric as well.
I try to keep it off as much as possible, but it's hard to resist..
It's probably the nicest AC we've ever had.
We didn't even have AC at Landfair, and the one at Gayley we always feared would break down, like everything else did there.
Our last AC at landfair was like, $200 and all it did was leak everywhere, and the carpet got screwed up.
We didn't buy it at least; it was a gift.
We gave it away to Jim, explaining that we obviously wouldn't need it in our new apartment.
Good riddance, I believe is the term Lo and I would both share.

Leaving the door to the balcony open helps keep some cool air in the apartment when I have the AC off - especially if Lo and I are leaving the apartment but don't want to keep the AC running.
There's thankfully a screen door as well, so we can keep the air circulating, but also keep bugs out.
We're right off a decently main street, which turns off of a huge and busy street, Wilshire.
So we can hear cars, but it's not too bad.
It's better than the loud helicopters taking off from the nearby hospital at Landfair ALL day.
And much, much better than the loud and obnoxious frats and sororities that we were neighbored against at both Gayley and Landfair.

I've been drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee lately due to my uprise in anxieties.
I swear my teeth and tinting a bit more, and I'm getting more self conscious of my smile.
I'm also a bit concerned about my health.
I'm thinking of turning to decaf.. despite the fact that it's the caffeine that relaxes me.  (I'm hoping to trick my body psychologically).
I'll keep regular around for the mornings, but try to use decaf throughout the day, so I'm not up all night.

I was up until around 3am last night and slept in way, way too late, until 1pm.
Usually sleeping half my day away depresses me.
I think it has.
But I took my new medicine upon waking today.
It was the Prozac Jacob prescribed me yesterday morning.
Is it impolite to speak of him using his first name so familiarly?
Probably.  I should probably say "Dr.Juros."
Ren and I both call him Jacob though.
Never to him though, of course.

I don't know if the Prozac is supposed to work right away.
What did it do again?
Oh.. depression.. right.
Um.
I feel.. not sad.
No, definitely not sad.
But, not happy either.
Maybe the Lamictal I'm on (currently 200) is helping to stabilize my emotions on this new drug, just like Jacob said it would.
Maybe I'm just saying that because it's what I was expecting.
The mind is a very interesting and amazing thing.
I really don't know much of anything, do I?
I'll continue to take the medicine though.
I don't care about the pills.
They don't depress me, the fact that I need to take them to be normal.
Not at all.
I know it does to some people.
I don't care.
I'll do anything to be normal, think normal, feel normal.
It's so much better than being depressed and anxious all the time.
Even if it's just "fake happy" or "fake normal."
Is it fake?
I don't even know if it is.
What's more.. I don't even care.
Who cares if it's real or fake?
It doesn't feel fake, necessarily.
So I don't care.

Back to the coffee.
Lo bought me a large thing of French Roast, dark coffee.
It was cheap and on sale at Target.
We normally don't get to travel to Target, but we've had Jeff's car since he's been away in Texas.
It was a nice change compared to the stores in the village here, such as Ralphs and Whole Foods (we avoid WF all together because it's way too pricy).
Trader Joe's is priced alright, but it doesn't have much there because it's all based around health and organics.

Both of my parents drink mild coffee, I've found.
I'm new to the world of coffee, but I was surprised to find that I detest the mild.
I started out in the very beginning with medium-dark, so perhaps that's why.
I didn't know what the difference really was at the time.
But after my first getting used to medium-dark, then trying the mild, I realized I must like dark even more.
Thus the French Roast dark I just bought.
I tried it and immediately knew that dark is what I enjoyed most.
The taste of coffee itself is so much more prominent it seems.
But not overly so, I don't think.
Instead of sugar and cream masking the bitter flavor of the coffee, it instead compliments it when it's this dark, and everything flows together much nicer.

I bought French Vanilla "Sugar Free" creamer recently.
At first I thought it was nice.
The more I drink it I'm finding that I really don't.
It's sweetened with Splenda, so zero calories, sugar-wise anyways.
It definitely saves you a decent amount of calories, but I've always said, "If it simply doesn't taste good, then calories be damned!"
I don't think I'll buy the Sugar Free kind anymore.
But really, it's not the calories I was originally concerned with.
It was just the extra spike in my sugar intake.
I almost never eat sugar, and then along with my sudden coffee spree, I've also upped my sugar intake quite a lot.
I like two teaspoons of sugar.
My mom always took four, so I thought I was doing well.
But I finished a pound of
sugar in only a week.
That's 15 calories a serving.
And 113 servings in the whole box.
That's 565 calories in just sugar alone throughout the week.
But that aside, the sugar is downright unhealthy.
I get enough sugar in all the other foods and drinks I eat.
But a fucking pound of sugar in a week?
Lo was so upset with me.
I don't think she realized just how upset I was about it though as well.

Along with my severe anxieties, a lot of them circulating around time and death, I find that my health is taking a stronger priority in my life.
Despite my age, not even 19 yet, still so young and generally active with good health, I know that if I make bad health choices now, I'm only shortening my life span, if only a baby bit at a time, if I keep these bad habits I'll grow unhealthier at a faster rate that others as I age, and it can also cause future health problems.
Both sugar and caffeine are not good for you, especially in large amounts.
I need to cut back.
Again, I'm going to try and switch to decaf in the future.
I've already started using Splenda packets in my coffee (I bought a box of 200, and I use 2 packets per cup), and despite the fact that I like sugar better, the splenda isn't unbearable and the taste is fine, so I'll stick with it.
But the Splenda creamer is too much, and I'll be switching back to regular.
I'm also already trying to drink less coffee throughout the day.
I'm hoping that if my new medications work well, my anxieties will lower and in turn, so will my coffee intake.

Jacob put me on 30mg of Prozac, I'm still steadily taking 200mg of Lamictal, and instead of taking 25mg of Atarax 2-3 times a day to keep me calm, he's giving me 50mg of Atarax to take 1-2 times a day, but ONLY as needed.
Taking the Atarax before did the opposite of keep me calm.
It made me snippy, angry, heated, and upset.
I lashed out at everyone, even for no reason at all.
I was always angry feeling.
I was nervous when Jacob said to take an even HIGHER amount of the Atarax, but it did calm me that I only had to take it when needed.
When was it needed?
He said during heavy spells of anxiety (they're usually at night) or during a panic attack.
My panic attacks are always different.
As soon as they're triggered, they can't be stopped.
They sometimes last as little as only a few minutes.
Lately they've been getting longer.
Sometimes at their worst lasting several hours.
Hours of jumping out of my skin, pacing back and forth, rolling on the bed or the ground, crying, shaking, chugging coffee, crying some more.
It's all mind-numbingly painful just to think about.

Lo just called.
She's going to some cheap movie theater and plans to drink with Austin there.
She said she'd probably take a hit of weed too.
I don't mind the weed, but I wish she'd do that at home.
As for the alcohol, I do mind.
I don't like alcohol in general, especially in public.
Both of them need to drive home too.
I trust Lo and her judgment, even when somewhat inebriated, but I worry more so because I've never met Austin and I don't know well enough what he's like, but I assume he's more of a risk-taker than Ren.
Lo is very against driving high or drunk, and so am I, so I was also worried by the fact that she didn't seem to care.
She kept laughing at me for giving her so many warnings and extra 'be safes' than usual.
I can't help but feel like the cautious and worrying motherly housewife suddenly.
Deep down, I know she'll be safe.
..I hope.  x_x

I just moved from the desk to the bed.
I must have been slouching, because my neck started hurting.

I went through two cups of coffee since starting this entry.
I just yawned.
I kind of want a third.
I think the coffee pot is empty though.
I try not to make a lot at once so I don't feel as tempted to drink it all.
So I'd have to go through the rigamarole of making more, which is time consuming and boring, so at least that much is good.
It's so much easier just to go pour a cup rather than brew a pot.
I'm glad for my lazy ass for once.
I think I'll wait for coffee later.
I just yawned again.
I'm so weird.

This entry seems to have lost purpose.
But at least I was able to brush aside some of the cobwebs that have been forming in my journal.
Even Lo was wondering why I haven't been posting recently.

As a final note, I've been calling Lo "Ren" more recently.
I switch off both in writing and in person calling her Ren and Lo.
It's hard to make the full transition from "Lo-chan" which is what I've always called her in person, to just Ren.
I find myself struggling not to add a second syllable and saying "Ren-chan" because she said she didn't like that.
Just to add in, Lo actually wants to be called Ren, so it's not me forcing the nick on her or anything.
I like it too, so no worries there.
It's just as bold and strong sounding as Lo, in my opinion.
Both names fit her.
I'll probably always call her by both.

You know..
I really love her a lot.

Location: Veteran Ave.
Mood: tiredQuiet
Music: "Syndicate" by The Fray

2:30am.
Horrible anxiety attacks/panic attacks.
Took Xanax.

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Mood: anxiousanxious

The chicken was a lot of horseradish mustard and paprika dipped, really.
It was good, but I don't know if I'd make it again.

The broccoli would have been a lot better if
we had had bigger pieces.
The broccoli was deceivingly bad for you with the shitload of cheese and butter it called for.

Location: Los Angeles, CA
Mood: tiredtired

Triple digits, fire warnings, small children, pets and elder warnings, stay inside, highest temperatures ever recorded for this time of year.

I don't think I'll be doing any tanning this weekend.


Mood: blahblah

Went tanning with Lo today.

When I turned over from my back to lie on my front after 25 minutes, my vision was black and white, but I could still see blue and green.
I began to panic but Lo told me it was normal.
If I had realized what was happening to me, or that I might not have been thinking as clearly as I could have, I probably would have protested and gone inside.
But I didn't know what was happening, and I didn't want an uneven tan, so I continued to tan for another 25 minutes on my stomach.

It was only in the 80's, and I'd been in much hotter weather, but I was sweating.
I'm the type of person who rarely sweats, so it was bothersome.
Lo sweats more than me naturally.
I remember her looking very, very sweaty.
Her skin was really shiny and when I reached over to touch her, she felt wet.

I was so thankful when my time was up.
Lo usually tans just short of twice as long as me - it's because of my Irish decent that I burn so ridiculously easy, so I always cut it short.
Lo asked me to get her a soda from the garage because she was really, really thirsty.
I was too.

When I stood up, my vision got blotchy and I nearly fell forwards into the pool.
I didn't realize it then, because I often get dizzy when I stand up too quickly, but I get nervous when I think about what might have happened to me if I had actually fallen into the pool.
I thought I was normal again, because my vision wasn't black and white anymore.
I had trouble getting my things together, putting on my shorts over top of my bikini, sliding on my sandals and grabbing my towel.
Lo was talking to me about hurrying up, and her tone sounding a mix between very frustrated and pleading.
I knew she was really, really thirsty, but I didn't think she realized how hard it was for me to move.
I don't think I even realized I was having that much trouble.

I don't know why, thinking back on it, I thought I was okay.
My brain must really not have been working.
I was consciously aware of what I was feeling and seeing, and yet I wasn't aware of the fact that I wasn't okay.
It was strange.

My vision wasn't black and white, but almost like a neon now.
Colors were bright and almost pixelated and they were kind of mixing together in unnatural ways.
I remember walking past a green tree with a few small, pink flowers in it.
To me, the tree looked pink with neon red lines around it.
There was no green.
When I was crossing the street from the pool and over towards the complex, a car waited a long time for me to go by.
I didn't realize why then, but I think they must have noticed that I was hobbling all over.
I was trying my best to walk normally, and thought I was doing well at the time, but thinking back, I realize I must have looked really weird.
My skin felt hot, but I felt cold inside.
Then I'd feel cold outside, then hot inside.
It kept switching back and forth inside me, and I felt like I was going to puke.
I thought puking might be a good thing actually, but I wanted to wait until I got inside.
No, I had to get Lo her soda first, definitely.
She needed me.

I wobbled in through the garage, which was opened I found, with Debbie and Jim sitting in the car looking ready to leave somewhere, but the car doors were open and they were discussing directions.
Debbie asked if Lo and I would like to go out to lunch.
I told them I wasn't hungry and that Lo was still tanning.
I grabbed for the door handle to go upstairs and try and dismiss myself, finding that talking and standing were beginning to heavily strain on me, and that the darkened garage compared to the neon and bright light outside was making my vision very, very blotchy.
There were black, large balls everywhere, with neon outlines.
Just like if you stare at the sun or look at a light bulb - only much, much bigger, and more of them.

Debbie kept talking and I couldn't hear anything she was saying.
She said the name of the restaurant and I couldn't make it out.

I tried repeating it but I don't think I made any sense, so I just said "I don't know what that is."
I was afraid I was coming off as blunt or rude, so I again tried to dismiss myself, leaning into the door frame and holding the door open with my shoulder.
Debbie kept talking.  "Go ask Lo about it, she would know what it is."
She kept talking.
I don't think she was even talking that much.
But if felt like she was too me.
I just knew that I couldn't see, and was having trouble standing.
The garage was so shady and cool compared to outside.
The temperature change was making me feel worse, even though while I was outside I kept saying to myself quietly, out loud..
"You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.. just get inside and you'll be fine, you're okay Samantha, you're alright.."

The last thing I heard before my vision went nearly black was Debbie asking, "Are you alright?  You look pale."
I said I was fine and quickly left, stumbling up the stairs as my vision slowly left me.
I blindly walked up the few steps and across the living room, grabbing for the counter as I started frantically looking for the soda I left out before I left.
Debbie must have put it away.
I looked in the fridge desperately to find the drink for Lo, only to find that that was when I started to fully realize that something was really wrong with me.
The first thoughts that came to my mind at that point were, "I need help, do I call 911?, I don't want to go back to the hospital, I need help, I need to call Lo.."
I had completely forgotten that Jim and Debbie were downstairs and reached for the phone on the counter, not by seeing it, but by knowing where it was.
I held it in one hand, the other supporting myself on the counter.
I began pressing several buttons that I thought might be Lo's number.
But then I wasn't sure if I was typing it in right.
I told myself I just need to sit down, and this would settle down and then I could call Lo properly.

I ran and tripped over the chair and landed on the ground by the couch.
I pulled myself up and rolled over onto my side and again held the phone in both hands now right in front of my face, trying desperately to see the phone I knew I was holding.
I tried to calm myself down enough to find the 5, which I was pretty sure was in the middle of the phone and should have a small bump on it indicating it, but I couldn't feel it, my hands were shaking.
I was only the sofa for a whole of 10-15 seconds before I realized I was going to pass out.
I was really going to pass out.
The words now entering my mind were only "Help" and "Heat Stroke."
All I knew about heat stroke was that it happened when you were too hot.
I didn't know anything else about it, but I was assuming that that was what was happening to me.
I did know what "Stroke" meant though.. sort of.  I knew it was really bad at least.
I rolled to my feet, now completely blind and ran to the wall, the phone on and still in my hand as I began banging it into the wall just loud enough to make noise.
I didn't know if Jim and Debbie had left, or if they were pulling out maybe?
But if there was a chance they were still there, I prayed that they could hear me pounding and would stay long enough for me to get to them.
I don't know how I managed to get back down those stairs, but I did, and I remember turning the doorknob to the garage and pushing it open and nearly falling over, having already dropped the phone by my feet and hanging one hand on the door frame, the other on the doorknob still.
I looked and felt as if I were going to fall over.
I couldn't see anything.
I kept thinking, "Am I going to go blind forever?"
I was so panicked, but I tried not to show it.

"Debbie, I think I need help.  I think something's wrong with me."

I said something like that.
I don't know what they said really after that.
I don't know if I fell over.
But somehow I ended up on the ground, lying on my back on the steps.
I do know that they both came over to me though.
They both sounded really concerned, despite the fact that I don't think I completely understood what they were saying.
I'm pretty sure I heard Debbie say something about taking me to the hospital, but I don't know if I openly protested or not.
I know that I was definitely protesting in my head for sure though.

I remember repeating over and over that I wanted them to call Lo.
My vision was slowly coming back, but it was mostly blue and black blobs again.
I managed to get the phone back into my hand somehow and was trying to give it to them.
I told them to get Lo, and that she was going to get hurt.
I kept thinking that Lo needed help, and that she was going to pass out just like me.
They ended up getting Lo on the phone but then told me that she didn't want to come home yet.
I was slowly becoming more cognitive, but demanded I talk to her.
I got the phone and pleaded for Lo to come home right away.
She sounded frustrated with me and told me no.
I was desperate and told Jim to at least go get a soda for her and check up on her.

It only seemed like a few seconds, but it was obviously a decent bit longer.
Probably about 5 minutes.
Suddenly Jim was back and Lo was with him.
She didn't look as mad as she sounded over the phone.
She seemed more concerned.
My head was still slowly clearing up.
I was feeling less like I needed to puke.
Jim brought me some angel food cake and I nibbled at it to "get some sugar in me" or something like that, is what Debbie was saying.
I didn't even like angel food cake.. actually, I don't even know what it was.
I just remembered I didn't like it.
But when I started eating it it tasted really wonderful.
I also took a few sips of water, but oddly didn't feel that thirsty.

Apparently when Jim went out to get Ren she stood up and had what I had had too, although she admitted it probably wasn't as bad as mine, she did get dizzy and had neon vision as well as feeling sick to her stomach, but didn't black out or come close to fainting.
I'm so thankful Jim went and got her.
She sat on the steps above me and drank her soda.
Somehow by this point I had been turned upside down so that my head was at the bottom of the steps and my feet were facing up on the steps.
Something about blood sugar and getting.. blood moving a certain way..

I was a little out of it, so I don't really remember what Debbie was saying.
But I remember her seeming more motherly than she normally is towards me.
She normally isn't like that as much with me as she is with Lo.
But that's normal.
But I also remember her being like that before.
I remember being sick and depressed terribly one day, and I lied in bed all day, and she had been nice and made sure I was okay.
I don't remember where Lo was.
I may have even written about this in my journal already somewhere.
She made me pizza and checked up on me periodically.
I think at one point she came and tucked the blankets around me.

Debbie and I really didn't get along when we first met.
I think we both had our reasons too, why we didn't get along.
But I'm kind of happy we are more so now.
Even though there are still a lot of things I'm angry at with her still, such as her OCD-like habits and her spying, I'm starting to see her more like a mom.. mom-in-law anyways.

Eventually my vision came back to me, and after about a half hour or so of lying upside down on the steps, I moved and sat upright for another 15 minutes, give or take.
I kept eating the cake and taking a few sips of water.
After a while I was able to get up and walk again.
I felt a bit 'weird' for the next several hours and generally just a bit shaken up.
I sat in front of the television for the rest of the day and made sure to eat a sandwich and keep hydrated.


Mood: exhaustedexhausted
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